Rebel Women Cafe » Friendship & Community

Excited and Personal Update!

Emma-Louise — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 00:05:17 +0000

So, you may have noticed I’ve been keeping a low profile lately. I’ve been busy both recovering from major surgery and enjoying the summer.

AND I’ve been making some changes and taking action! Recuperating from surgery gave me plenty of time to think about what I want to do with my life, what I enjoy, learn more about self-care and ponder how I want to make a difference. So:

1) I finally got together with friend and colleague Christina Richard to run an introductory seminar on Salt Spring Island about Women’s Intuition. This has been a goal of mine for a while so it felt really good! Christina is a trained intuitive, as well as the illustrator and graphic designer who helped create the Rebel Women Cafe logo! I just love working with people when everyone is passionate about the same things! And with this workshop we introduced women to some simple tools to ground and reconnect with themselves, to learn to trust their own inner wisdom, to value themselves and learn that they already have everything inside of them that they need…

2) And inspired by our workshop, I’ve created a brand new 3 page worksheet called “Reconnect with your Heart”. This worksheet uses a symbol or image as one of the easiest and most powerful ways to access your inner self. A symbol is not only a visualization of our inner processes but also allows us to re-experience them and when used imaginatively – can become a vehicle to access our hearts, our authenticity and assist with spiritual transformation! This exercise can also be very helpful for dream work – especially if you have an image or symbol that comes up in a dream repeatedly.

You can find this fun new worksheet here in our Rebel Woman Store for just $3.95!

3) I’ve also reduced my coaching prices – significantly! In keeping with our name we wanted to make coaching simpler, more flexible and more accessible for everyone. So, we’ve slashed our prices, abolished our minimum 6 month sign-up and you can have a session as often or as infrequently as you like. It’s that simple!
Our new rates are: Just $75 for a one-hour session
And we GUARANTEE you will always leave with an action plan!
Simply contact Emma-Louise to book a session, pay (using Paypal) and you’re good to go!

Oh and NEWS! I was interviewed recently as part of “Winds of Change”. Winds of Change with Jivi is a TV programme that shares the stories of industry leaders, resident experts, and people in our communities whose curiosity about the world resulted in extraordinary discoveries. Our guests are living life to help others reach their greatest potential, and want to share what they have learned with you.”

The program won’t be aired until early 2011 – and it was fun! So, watch this space!

I hope to be posting more regularly again soon, and in the meantime,
REMEMBER to check out our awesome free tools and resources!

Is choosing NOT to have children bad for society?

Emma-Louise — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 22:38:28 +0000

Apparently a recent study of American women shows that 18 percent of women (nearly 1 in 5!) now end their childbearing years without biological children, compared to 10 percent in 1976. And for an increasing number of these women – childlessness is a choice.

But what I found really interesting was people’s opinions about childlessness… In 2007 29% of people thought childlessness was bad for society – but by 2009 this had jumped (increased) to 38%!

For more detailed statistics click here

I found this really surprising. So, I’m curious, who and where are these nearly 40% of people who think childlessness is bad for society?

My initial thoughts are that if everyone decided not to have children, that might be bad for society, but if less people choose not to have children this could be GOOD for society. It’s good for the environment (eg. less food, resources and other products required and less driving around). AND it may be good for the kids that ARE being raised – people who don’t have kids of their own are someone else for a child to go to – who may have more time for them than someone who already has children of their own. I’m thinking doting aunts, uncles and friends here.

But more importantly, what do you think?

Remember, we always LOVE to hear from you.
Just comment and leave a reply below!

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Thanks to Andrea Palframan for her suggestion of this topic and The Salon for the prompt for this post.

Guilty as Charged?

Emma-Louise — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 23:34:27 +0000

Part of my ‘journey’ was (and still is) about setting fewer ‘rules’ and being more spontaneous. So, this morning I was reading about guilt – and found it so helpful that I decided to spontaneously share my learnings about guilt with you right away!

I don’t know about you, but one of my struggles with understanding guilt has always been that even though it feels ‘bad’ I can see there’s a NEED for guilt in the human species. And yet guilt seems so unnecessarily prevalent in our society – show me a mother who doesn’t feel (often crippling) guilt…

So, there are apparently two types of guilt; 1) REASONABLE GUILT and 2) UNREASONABLE GUILT

REASONABLE GUILT comes from a lack of internal integrity – we stepped away from our own truth and did something clearly ‘wrong’ in our own mind. When we feel reasonable or appropriate guilt we return to balance through facing it and making amends. Reasonable guilt leads us to confront ourselves, resolve the matter as best we can and move on. It’s a mature response that leads us to our own learning and accountability.

UNREASONABLE GUILT however is a learned response - it is triggered by something external to us - an outside demand we could not or did not meet. Unreasonable or neurotic guilt is about BLAME and originates from fear. When we feel unreasonable guilt, making amends does not resolve our guilty feelings, we self-judge and end up going round in circles, suffering unproductive pain.

So, WHY does unreasonable guilt hang around? Because we’re avoiding something. Perhaps we’re avoiding losing someone’s approval or love or we’re avoiding feeling angry at someone or perhaps we put our needs above someone else’s. And then there’s the long shot – perhaps there’ s something big we don’t want to face (like our partner no longer loves us), so we find ways to blame ourselves for their behaviour and feel guilty about that rather than face the truth. OK, so the last one is pretty deep, but it does happen.

So, how do you know it’s UNREASONABLE GUILT? Well, if you feel ANY of these:

You feel limited – like there is only one course of action
You feel stuck or trapped
You don’t feel fully responsible or accountable
You’re protecting someone else’s feelings
You’ve apologised, made amends and yet you STILL feel guilty
You feel to BLAME and on some level, perhaps you feel the need to be punished

Whereas with REASONABLE GUILT:

You know exactly why you feel this way – it’s clear cut
You feel responsible and accountable
It’s resolved by stopping the behaviour, facing it and taking relevant and appropriate amending action
We acknowledge and affirm our entire cycle of actions from beginning to end – leading to learning, self-forgiveness and ultimately higher self-esteem.

So, what do you do when you’re feeling UNREASONABLE GUILT?

ALLOW the guilt, stop fighting it!
NOTICE what the guilt is covering up. What are you avoiding facing?
Journal or write about it if it helps.
Acknowledge and FACE WHATEVER is there
This takes courage but is SO worth it!
ACCEPT the situation AS IT IS
Forgive and have compassion for yourself and anyone involved…

When it comes to UNREASONABLE guilt ONLY (because we NEED reasonable guilt), use this quote to help you:

“Make choices WITH guilt, not because of it” David Richo

All too often we think because we FEEL guilty – it must be true, we are a bad person. But guilt is JUST A THOUGHT – and not reality. If you can separate these two – and face your thoughts – you are well on your way!

Let me know how you get on – as always we LOVE to hear what you are thinking
just comment and leave a reply below!

Trailblazers 01 – The Famous Five

Emma-Louise — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:50:31 +0000

The Famous Five (Canada)

Is a woman a ‘person’? Apparently not before these five TRAILBLAZING women from Alberta, Canada banded together.

Emily Murphy - the first female judge in the British Empire
Irene Marryat Parlby – a farm women’s leader, activist and first female Cabinet minister in Alberta, Canada
Nellie Mooney McClung – a famous suffragist and member of the Alberta legislature
Louise Crummy McKinney – the first woman elected to any legislature in Canada or the British Empire (the Legislative Assembly of Alberta, Canada)
Henrietta Muir Edwards – a working women’s advocate and a founding member of the Victorian Order of Nurses

It seems outrageous now – but it’s thanks to these five women that women can now hold public office in Canada. In 1927 they came together to ask if the “word ‘Persons’ in Section 24 of the British North America Act, 1867, included female persons?”

Why? They wanted to know if a women was a ‘person’ and could therefore hold public office.

And so it was in 1928 Canada’s Supreme Court ruled in the negative! In a UNANIMOUS decision the final line of the judgement read “Understood to mean ‘Are women eligible for appointment to the Senate of Canada,’ the question is answered in the negative.”

These five women then championed what became known as “The Persons Case”. And thankfully this judgement was later overturned by the British Judicial Committee of the Privy Council – which was a HUGE leap forward for women’s rights.

Interestingly this case also had a lasting impact on Canada’s constitution, leading to something called “The Living Tree Doctrine” which in essence says that a constitution is organic – and must adapt to the changing times. So, the Constitution now has to be read within the context of current society to ensure that it adapts and reflects changes.

The power of FRIENDSHIP: These five women were known both as The Famous Five and The Valiant Five. I wonder if alone, they would have succeeded? What we do know is that together they proved an unstoppable force and it’s thanks to them that we have women in public office and a constitution that will also reflect society – as we change and grow!

ACTION: And if you’re in Canada, next time you see the latest $50 bank note, check out the reverse and you’ll see the Famous Five commemorated along with Therese Casgrain another women’s right’s champion!

Thanks to Shelley Watson for the suggestion of these women as our inaugural “Trailblazing Women” feature!

How NOT to Take Things Personally…

Emma-Louise — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 22:50:42 +0000

Last week we talked about being honest. So how do we now cope with our friends’ new found honesty and not take things so personally?

First a WARNING - to get my message across I am making huge generalisations about men and women…

So, men regularly insult each other, speak the truth and manage to stay friends – or at least on speaking terms. If necessary, men will react and say something AT THE TIME, OR they have the self-esteem (self-respect) to recognize that it’s not about them and LET IT GO – sometimes on the playing field or into a punch-bag.

Whereas women seem to bottle up hurts, slights AND take them personally. We either TALK about or internally analyse the incident, either ripping each other apart passive aggressively and complaining behind their backs or we obsess about understanding every detail of what happened.

What is this female obsession we have with UNDERSTANDING? What are your thoughts?

For me I want to know WHY the person said or did what they did. I want to know MY part. How did this happen, did I deserve it? Is it fair? Was it my fault, do I need to make amends?

And the problem with trying to understand is that it’s often deeply personal. When someone reacts negatively to something you’ve said or done, they may be feeling inadequate around you. Perhaps you ‘threaten’ their hard-won self-esteem or maybe you’ve stepped on one of their values. Or maybe they recognize something in you that’s also in THEM - that they don’t like – and therefore have to push it away.

But the chances are that if they REACTED negatively to you, they’re not aware of the reasons themselves. Because if they were aware, they would be saying something to themselves like, “Oh darn it – I’m feeling inadequate again!”, INSTEAD of ripping into you…

So, back to this need to understand. If someone doesn’t know the exact reasons for their own behaviour, how could you? We do ourselves a great disservice when we over-analyse situations, question ourselves and try to get to the bottom of everything.

The reality is simply that you, or they, felt something that you were not comfortable with. THAT is the only reality. And we need to remain OPEN to the experience and not JUDGE our response to it. We need to learn compassion for ourselves – and for them. Just because you feel or think something does not make it TRUE – but it does mean it is REAL for you in the moment. Denying feelings just bottles things up to explode later…

Looking within is a great strategy to better ourselves – BUT it’s not about finding fault with us or anyone else. It’s about accepting ALL of ourselves and taking any obvious learning that’s there. Then we need to let go. And if you need to, pummel something (but not the cat!) or talk to the person involved.

The reality is that humans are flawed – and so are friendships. That’s all there is to it.

I definitely still take things personally sometimes. The difference is these days – I check in with myself first. I ask, “Is this about me?” and the chances are that it isn’t. Then, if I think something needs dealing with, I’ll ask the person involved, “Did you MEAN to say that – because it really left me feeling bad.” Or something similar. This way if they intended to hurt you – you’ve called them on it. They’ll know you’re not a pushover and will think twice about doing it again. And if they didn’t mean to hurt you, you get to clear it up with them!

Have you read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz? If not, this is a great starter or reminder of the principles to living an authentic life. Ruiz’ second agreement is: DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. He says what others say and do is all about their own reality and how they see the world…

AND remember – it’s often simply our perception that has over-reacted. We think we’ve upset them – but really they’ve been super-busy, are tired or stressed. There’s no way you can know everything going on in their lives. So if we have a choice how we interpret something – isn’t it healthier to assume it’s about them and not us?

Picture this: When you no longer worry about the opinions of others, you’ll be FREE!

Finally, maybe next time you take something personally you’ll do something different like:

Sit with it. Simply allow the experience of feeling hurt or judged until it passes.
Phew! This is so simple but a toughie – let us know how you get on with this one!
Look inside for a resentment, fear or limiting belief that has been triggered.
If you think someone ignored you and it hurt, perhaps you worry that you’re boring and unlikeable. Or if someone patronized you, perhaps you feel inferior to them? Because think about it, if you didn’t worry that you were boring you would ASSUME they just hadn’t seen you. And if you didn’t already feel inferior on some level, it wouldn’t bother you…
Speak up! If you think someone is really out of line, perhaps you’ll call them on it. Try “When you did x, I felt y. Just wanted to let you know.” Then be silent for a moment and see what happens.
This isn’t about blaming them – but letting them know the impact of their behaviour on you – so they can behave differently in the future, or you can clear up the misunderstanding.

Note: While it’s good to push out of your comfort zone, only do what you can handle (of course you CAN handle everything, but it helps to believe that!)

And AS ALWAYS – we love to hear your thoughts or how you get on.
Let us know by “Leaving a Comment” or Reply below!