And you raise some good points. The honesty I refer to is both about ‘issues’ between friends and also things like ‘the haircut’ or the ‘outfit’ – where kindly-phrased honesty can really help them. I remember my mom showing me a shirt she was going to wear for an interview. The shirt was nice but the colour made her look like REALLY washed out, pale and tired. Nice colour, nice shirt – but not on her… So I said that – gently. She wore something that looked better. That’s good honesty.

So, onto friend ‘issues’. I agree – we shouldn’t always hash things our with our friends. Sometimes it IS good to just let things pass and forgive… This raises two things:

1) Can you really forgive? Or does it get (subconsciously) stored up… Because if you’re at all uncertain then you SHOULD say something. Untreated ‘wounds’ have a habit of festering.
***And if you really can completely forgive and forget – then FABULOUS! This is where I will be headed with the next post – about NOT taking things personally. One of “The Four Agreements” is, “It’s not about you…” And it seems as though, Bee, that you’re already there… Congrats.

So, I guess the point I am making in this post is – Don’t let things fester, don’t tell others about it behind their back. Instead be honest with your friend and give them the chance to know the impact of their behaviour so they can change.

2) The second point I thought when I read your (awesome and thoughtful response!!) was that sometimes it is HELPFUL to our friend to know they have hurt our feelings. Until we tell them, they can’t know and won’t be able to behave any differently in the future – with us or anyone else. So by being honest and saying, “Wow, I’m sure this isn’t your intention, but when you said x to me I feel really put down.” And leaving that with them. No intent to change them, just letting them know and trusting they will absorb it.

And a final thought. Yes, sometimes being honest can make the other person (temporarily) feel bad. So, we have to check that we are saying something to them for the RIGHT reasons – to help them or our friendship in the future.

Thanks for the opportunity to clarify Bee!

First congratulations on the launch of your new blog. I know you’ve been working hard and I’m looking forward to seeing it grow. Your first post is a doozy and I want to offer my honest gut reaction I had when reading it.

I think being honest is great but sometimes overrated. I think we need to pick and choose our honest moments with friends. If they’ve upset us, do we really need to hash it out or can we just forgive and move on. I give my friends much more latitude with their behaviour than I would strangers because I assume that perhaps they are just having a misguided moment and that I know better about them.

Sometimes honesty is about making ourselves feel better which sometimes makes the other person feels worse. So are we really advancing friendship in this case?

So are my thoughts jaded or naive? I don’t know. I’ll have to get back to you on that.

What I do know is I love the hard questions you put out there Emma-Louise. They make me think and that can only be a good thing.

Can’t wait for the next post!

Bee